Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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