the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
