I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
