He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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