Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
