and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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