Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
do herpes really smell.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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