I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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