fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
