At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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