I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
