Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
