My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
