OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
