I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
