I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
