I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
