I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
