Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
