How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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