i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
