The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
