I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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