after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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