Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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