Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
