it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
