I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.