Who wears a wallet chain?!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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