As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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