Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
