I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
