I need to stop coming to work sober
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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