I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
