I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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