guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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