She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
