Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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