The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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