You smell like a Billy Joel song
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
