Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
