dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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