I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Im part way to drunk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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