Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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