you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
