I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
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id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
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I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.