Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's blow job season.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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