my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
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Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
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There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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