she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it