i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.