man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize