I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
