I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
