My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
