Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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