he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
