I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
