I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
