I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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